“3 billion birds and sexy roller skates”

Whoa, another guest essay has come our way from the enigmatic, sporadic and possibly pseudonym-ic Bob Grump. The guy has reached out to us in the past (the “past” is his subject of today, it seems). Also in the recent present, something about “Turkeys Ain’t Birds?” Whatever. Like all Grump’s gripes, it’s got its moments.

“3 billion birds and sexy roller skates”

By Bob Grump

Hey,  two-fisted birdwatcher, here’s another blast from the Grumpster if you care to print it—jeez, it just hit me that Grumpster sounds like dumpster, so I’m never going to use that stupid expression again. Let’s start over: Bob Grump here, with another “guest essay,” this one about the appreciation of things past.

I could give you a lot of reasons why the past is better than the present and way less scary than the future—but here are two timely ones:

First, there were more birds there!

Don’t look at me for science stuff, but I had a feeling about this so I checked. The Cornell Lab of Ornithology reports that since the 1970s our bird population is down by a third! Yeah, we have about three billion fewer birds in America than in the days of Woodstock! (A cartoon bird, as well as a hippie music festival. Both very cool).

The past is birdier than the present, and surely much more than the future. Read your own short story—“The Ferruginous Hawk!” You’ll get the idea.

And here’s a second reason: the past had Melanie in it!

That cute, talented hippie chick singer who blew us away with her song from the 1970’s, “Brand New Key.” Melanie left us a few days ago, so she’s in our minds at the moment, as well as suddenly part of the past.

She’s a musical, poetic, sexy, funny, carefree example of what was better about the past.

The past had Melanie’s break-out hit…”I’ve got a brand-new pair of roller skates, you’ve got a brand-new key….we should get together…”

This was regarded as possible “sexual innuendo.” (Ya think?) And some radio stations wouldn’t play it. But you can’t stop art. The song became a hit and Melanie became famous. Now they’re in the past. Along with three billion more birds!

The future can kiss its artificially intelligent butt—let’s hear it for the past! That’s where Bob Grump goes for a little escapism, and you’re invited to do the same. Meanwhile, listen to “Brand New Key,” an earthy, youthful, rhythmic funky and fun-loving tribute to the era, and the missing birds!

One Response to ““3 billion birds and sexy roller skates””

  1. A Grump Fan says:

    Hey Bob Grump. Shoulda sent in a “comment” about your story when it appeared in January, and here we are in May. Sorry, didn’t even know comments were “open” again. Gotta say, you nailed it. The past rules. The future sucks. Love the Melanie song, hate the loss of 3 billion birds. And appreciate a writer with attitude. Send more stuff!

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