Bugs and Birds

August 9th, 2009

There’s a short story we read years ago about people walking around covered in living bugs. Okay, we’re two-fisted guys and this kind of thing shouldn’t bother us. But we gotta say, sorry, no way do we want to see this image in our heads or hear much about it.

A two-fisted birdwatcher!

A two-fisted birdwatcher!

Remember the scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark where Indiana Jones (now there’s a two-fisted bird watcher!) and some sleazy crook were in a cave in the Amazon jungle and the sleazy guy’s covered with tarantulas?

The guy sorta deserved it because he was double crossing Indy, but who cares. The bugs were hard to look at. Yeah, yeah, spiders are not bugs; they’re arachnids. But we don’t want to split spider hairs here. The point is: nobody wants to have bugs crawling on them.

"Don't bug me, okay?"

"Don't bug me, okay?"

When we’re bothered by things we say we’re “bugged.” Something’s bugging us, right? Your wife says, “Honey, you’re quiet, what’s bugging you.” And you say “Don’t bug me, okay?”

Worries bug us. Problems bug us. People bug us. Bugs bug us. Go out on what should be a beautiful summer night and mosquitoes that might carry West Nile bug you. Walk in the woods to look at birds down by the river, a quiet pleasure, and ticks that carry Lyme disease bug you. Check into a hotel in Manhattan and maybe bedbugs will bug you.

Sorry!

Sorry!

This is getting creepy. And we didn’t want to talk about bugs at all! Where are we going with this? Simple. We’re going to get rid of bugs.

And by bugs we mean the literal kind, like the one crawling behind your computer, and also the metaphorical kind—the worry, the problem, the angst.

(Time out: Do two-fisted birdwatchers get angst? Do they even know the word? Good question. Sorry about that. From now on, the word angst is banned from this site.)

Something to avoid

Something to avoid

Back to that story we didn’t want to talk about: People covered with bugs. How does it end? The hero and his girlfriend go into the woods and sit on a log. It’s peaceful and pretty. Eventually birds come around. The couple doesn’t move, just sits there with bugs on their skin, in their hair, tap dancing on their shoulders.

The birds get brave and hop onto the people. They start eating the bugs! Robins and tanagers. Crows and wood thrushes. Bluebirds and flycatchers. All honest meat eaters. They gently alight on our heroes and pick away. The forest is pleasant. The sun is coming through treetops. There’s the sound of water in a distant creek. A rustle of wind in the leaves.

Chow down, old friend

Chow down, old friend

At the end of the story, the bugs are gone and the guy and his girlfriend take a deep breath. The nightmare is over. Birds have saved the day. The writer of this story was using a literary device to tell us a simple truth.

The literary device was horror—the idea of bugs all over us. The truth was that nature and an appreciation of birds can make the things that bother us go away. Bugs symbolize problems and troubles. Hey, just look at the word: bugs.

DEET

Moral of the story. When you’re bothered by the nagging little problems of life, get your butt into the woods. Sit on a rock or by a stream. Unwind. Watch the birds. Let them do their work. They won’t literally eat bugs off you, but they’ll get rid of them all the same.

Just don’t get West Nile or Lyme while you’re out there. A metaphor can only take you so far.

“Suckin’ Sap!”

July 19th, 2009

The idea of renaming the birds of America isn’t mine. It’s Jim Harrison’s. He mentions it in early writings and makes it a theme in his 2008 novel, The English Major. I wish the idea had been mine. It’s always felt weird to tell people I saw a Peewee or Coot.

I never mind saying that I saw a Raven or Nighthawk, but of course the Titmouse causes a double-take from my non-birdwatching buddies, as discussed in the story “Tits” posted elsewhere on this site.

"Did someone say Rufus-Sided Towhee?"

"Did someone say Rufous-Sided Towhee?"

Some bird names, while slightly eccentric, are oddly likable. There’s the Rufous-Sided Towhee (often called the Eastern Towhee). In a crowded bar, a two-fisted birdwatcher we know once blurted, “Hey, there’s a Rufous-Sided Towhee in the beer garden!” A pretty girl who hadn’t paid attention earlier came over, wanting to know this interesting guy.

"What do YOU know about birds?"

"What do YOU know about birds?"

But the best commentary about bird names comes from Art Carney in a conversation with Jackie Gleason in an old “Honeymooners” episode. Black & white TV from the 1950s lives on. The old is new again, thanks to cable channels and vintage DVDs.

Carney’s character Ed Norton tells bus driver buddy Ralph Kramden, played by the two-fisted Gleason, that he was bird watching in Central Park. Ralph, always exasperated with Norton says, “Now what do YOU know about birds?” Norton replies, “Well, I saw a Yellow-Bellied Sapsucker.”

Kramden, smirking, says, “And HOW do know that?” With perfect comic timing, Norton one-ups Ralphie-boy as usual: “Cuz it had a yellow belly. And it was suckin’ sap!”

Banjos, Birds and Janis

July 9th, 2009

Your banjo teacher’s a local legend, but a likable guy. And impressive. He plays every instrument there is, even the bagpipes, although he seems most interested in trumpet. But he does know the banjo, which is why you’re there.

At your last lesson you gave him Steve Martin’s all-banjo album, The Crow, Steve playing the banjo like a pluckin’ madman on 16 cuts.  The fact that this album is titled The Crow has nothing to do with your interest in birds or banjos.

banjo hands

You figured your teacher would like it and you wanted to give him something good for a change to listen to. Your pathetic strumming wasn’t getting the job done, although you liked the music and figured there’s nothing coming out of a banjo that isn’t just a two-fisted cool sound.

So the guy’s got Martin’s CD. Next week he gives you a quiz. He says, “Did you hear what he’s doing?” And you say, “Yeah, playin’ the banjo.” “No,” the teach says, “Did you listen to the third song?”

“What was he doing there, didn’t you hear?”

Truth is, sure, you heard. It was banjo. A lot of fast plucking and a wild happy sound. The reason you’re taking banjo lessons. Your desire to play started when you heard the audio book of Steve Martin’s life, Born Standing Up, and Martin used banjo riffs in between chapters. You wanted to make that kind of noise. But that’s not what the guy was asking. He gets a CD player and hits the button.

“He’s playing down here.”

And your teacher indicates the lower part of the banjo’s neck. “And he’s making all the melody with the strings, no chords.” You figure, okay, if he says so. It still just sounds like a lot of banjo noise. Not bad, but nothing discernible.

And then he hits another cut, “Get this?” And you listen, but get nothing. “He’s doing claw hammer. That’s amazing. Nobody does that kind of thing any more. “Okay, enough.” You figure this guy’s hearing something you just can’t. But he’s been making music for more years than you’ve been alive, so maybe he’s learned a thing or two about it.

Still, you feel bad. Because you’re not hearing, identifying, digging and loving something that’s apparently worth knowing about.

redTailedHawkBig

There’s a window behind your teacher.

In the distance you see some birds flying by, silhouetted against the sky. You don’t want to change the subject, but what the hell. You go for it: You say to the guy, “Hey, look over the roof across the street. What d’you see?” And your teacher says, “Birds, why.”

And you know that what you’re seeing is a Red-Tailed Hawk being harassed by a group of Grackles, probably defending their nests or at least a territory. And your teacher just saw “birds.”

This has happened before.

It’s not your teacher’s fault. Another bird flies by, way off in the distance. You say, “See that bird flying, what kind is it?” And he says, laughing, “ I don’t know, man, it’s a bird.” And you know it’s a Blue Jay. Come on, the long tail, the stubby wings, the strong but erratic flight. Obvious. And a good thing to see, too, since West Nile has all but wiped out the Jays around here. But your banjo master just saw a bird, that’s all. And you only heard banjo music, that’s all.

You didn’t get the details. He didn’t get the details.

And this drives home an essential truth. Not just about birds or banjos but about everything we know and don’t know: When you learn about a thing, you see it differently. No, not just differently, better. This is not a value judgment. Not a subjective opinion. It’s reality.

A guy who spends forty years with banjos hears notes and subtleties that a dope like you can’t possibly get. He’s better off because of that. He lives in a beautiful world of complex surprising music while you hear what is essentially pretty noise.

You have something else, though.

For some inexplicable reason, you have picked up bird knowledge since you were a little kid intrigued by a bird book, and have regarded seeing birds as something akin to stamp collecting. Because of that, you know every kind of bird that flies past.

You don’t see birds, even if they’re shadowy silhouettes at a distance; you see herons with long unmistakable curled necks, and raucous crows with unbeautiful flapping wings, and hawks you’re envious of, powerful buteos with awesome wingspreads. Boring sparrows; and robins who no longer migrate in this changed climate. And you know a grackle by its tail and a starling by its tubby mundane body shape.

You and your banjo teacher are alike.

You both know a subject and get the details of it while other people might blithely stumble by, missing these details. And you figure, wait, if this is the way it is with banjos and birds, maybe it’s like that with…. everything. Of course, you’re right. Ad executives don’t see billboards…they see cost per thousand drive-by impressions. You remember working in a Chinese take-out joint when you were a kid. The boss asked you to go to a newly opened rival Chinese place and order egg rolls to bring back for analysis. He dissected these, muttering Mandarin about the contents. He didn’t see egg roll stuffing; he saw everything he needed to know about his competitor.

truckTires

When you wrote truck tire brochures…

…it was a lousy job, but you came to know everything about truck tires. While waiting for a light, you looked at the truck next to you and said to your wife, “diagonal lugs on that 275/70R22.5 baby,” or some such arcane nonsense.

But wait, that was good.

Essentially good. You didn’t just see a tire; you saw a kind of tire and understood it to its core. That made you smarter. So, point of all this: you may not know one banjo chord from a pluckn’ other chord. But you’ve got the birds. As Janis Joplin said to Leonard Cohen in the Chelsea Hotel, “We may be ugly, but we’ve got the music.”

Well, neither was ugly.

janis new

But they did have the music, that’s for sure. And you may be tone deaf, but you’ve got the birds. And when you see them you know that they’re not just birds. They’re Rock Doves and Mourning Doves and Cedar freakin’ Waxwings and Merlins with mice in their bellies, and you’re better for it.

Strum that tune, Steve Martin.

Bye Bye Blackbird

June 18th, 2009

I was at Manny’s, Chicago’s lunchtime hangout for cops, political hacks and sharpies. A guy I knew called me over. He was known as The Tuna (nicknames are big at Manny’s).

He invited me to join him in a back booth. “Got a story for you,” he said. “About a good deed I tried to do.”

“A good deed that went bad?”

“How’d you know?”

“I can see it in your face, Tuna.”

“Well, I bet you’ll like this,” he said, “You bein’ a birdbrain and all.”

Tuna was the birdbrain as it turned out. But I’m getting ahead of the story. Let him speak.

“We found this little crow in the backyard. Couldn’t fly. Just sittin’ in the grass, not moving. It had spunk, though. Nipped my fingers.”

7478BA27025D489B9666409FBAC123D5-500

“A young one,” I said. “Since it’s spring and all.”

“Yeah, even I knew that,” Tuna said. “Now I figure the bird might not make it overnight, out in the open. We got animals comin’ around, you know?

“It’s a jungle out there.”

“Raccoons, coyotes, we have to lock up our garbage cans like bank vaults.”

“So what’d you do? Take him inside?”

tunaSandwich

I bit into my bagel, a Manny’s specialty. Tuna chomped into his usual. A sloppy tuna sandwich. Between bites he continued the sad story.

“Nah, wife wouldn’t let me. So I hid him behind some bushes, up against the house. A good hideout, y’know? Then, around 3 A.M. we hear squawking. Next morning, just black feathers and some blood. I feel terrible.”

“Well, at least you tried.”

“Yeah, I did. I even left a midnight snack for the little guy in case he got hungry. So he could build up his strength.”

“Midnight snack? You didn’t say anything about that before.”

“I was tryin’ to do a good deed, y’ know?”

He was getting heated up, leaning across the table as he spoke. I had to back away from the fish breath. That was the clue I needed.

“Tuna, I know what you gave him.”

He slumped against the back of the booth. He stopped in mid-chew. And he said, “So what? Birds are fish eaters, right?”

raccoon

“Pal, you can smell canned tuna for blocks. You sent out a message to the neighborhood animals, loud and clear. It said ‘come and get it.’”

Tuna looked down, knowing I was right and that he messed up.

“You made that crow a sitting duck.”

 

~   ~   ~   ~  

Tits

June 15th, 2009

My dad and I were going to a White Sox game. Not just a Chicago thing to do. But a south-side Chicago thing to do. A two fisted thing. I’m ten or eleven years old. Happy to be going to see some baseball, get some hot dogs, hang out with my dad.

Then as we’re waiting for a light on a tree-lined street I see a tufted titmouse in a tree. I never saw one ‘til then. And I say, hey, a titmouse.

My dad thinks all birds are called birds. Period. Maybe some are called chickens or turkeys, and I guess he’d know an eagle on a quarter, but he doesn’t get into it more than that.

“A what mouse?” He says.

I’d recently studied birds in school so I knew the different kinds and knew this was a tufted titmouse. A little chickadee with a crest on its head. Don’t ask me why, but I remembered it and thought it was cool to see one.

That day was the beginning of my being teased about birds.

Sure, I liked making my dad laugh. It wasn’t easy. What could a little kid say that was funny enough to make a grown-up laugh? But this did it.

Titmouse. He laughed a belly laugh on that car trip. And later telling this to family and friends: “Hey, we saw a titmouse today.” Laugh, laugh.

Then whenever I went hiking in woods or on vacations to nature-heavy resorts like Starved Rock State Park, I’d get: hey, going to look for some tit-mice, are you?

tuftedtitmouse

As a kid this embarrassed me. I knew full well what tits were, the kind guys talked about in schoolyards. The kind I really wanted to see.  But that wasn’t a family subject, tits.

I guess his derision of my interest in tits, the bird names, contributed to my becoming a little defensive about bird watching. Hence, the whole two-fisted thing which might be a bit of an over-compensation for feeling like a bird nerd as a kid. Well, so be it.

In America we have the tufted titmouse and maybe one other kind, a western titmouse. But in England and Europe they have birds just plainly called tits.

There’s the blue tit and others like that. Also, let’s not forget the great tit. I looked for this bird on a trip to Europe. So I could come back from a hike and say, “Saw a couple of great tits today.” But I didn’t see them and couldn’t say that.

Now, let’s not forget that there are also birds named boobies. Blue-footed booby, red-footed, etc. Tits and boobies. Is this a great hobby for guys or what?

By the way, the team playing the White Sox that day? The Baltimore Orioles. On the south side of Chicago those words had only one definition, even to me. Freakin’ ball players.

No Rules

June 12th, 2009

Birds have a “no-rules” approach to life. They don’t necessarily accept boundaries.  They’re impatient free spirits, and go where they please, when they please.  The Red-eyed Vireo in your crabapple tree might have been in Texas last week.

Don’t get scientific and point out that biological imperatives prevent birds from doing whatever they want.  Chicago’s House Sparrows won’t migrate to Miami.  Mallards won’t hang on afternoon thermals with Turkey Vultures.  Backyard Grackles are as locked into the regimentation of raising two broods a summer as any suburban commuter is to raising a family and meeting a mortgage.

Still, a House Sparrow could wander south, or anywhere else.  How do you think this European species diffused from New England to cover the continent in less than a century?

When you can fly, you go with your whims.  The Vireo really might have been in Texas last week. The Scarlet Tanagers that show up every Spring come from the hothouse jungles of Latin America. Snowy Owls wintering on Chicago’s lakefront come from Canada where they sat on snow banks watching polar bears.

Bird sightings help satisfy our wanderlust.  But the real kick comes from seeing a fellow being who doesn’t have to live by the limitations we’re stuck with, gravity being a main one.

The concept of no rules has long been attractive.  Maybe you find it difficult to cooperate with regulations, whether in schoolrooms, bureaucratic workplaces or even refereed sports. Which might be why you’re the best solo basketball player in the neighborhood.

basketball

Birds And More

June 9th, 2009

This essay appeared in Bird Watcher’s Digest magazine

I was in deep woods on Michigan’s Upper Peninsula, following a large, mostly black bird that I’d hoped was a Pileated Woodpecker. I’d only had a glimpse, but it was crow-sized, and flew in the roller coaster style of a woodpecker. Plus I thought I’d seen a flash of red on its head, a head with a tantalizing, prehistoric profile.

I stopped. Looked up. Quietly. And there it was, high on the side of some kind of pine (I never could identify trees in any but the most general way, finding their field guides baffling compared to bird books). It was a sizable Pileated, crested with bright red, but lacking red on the cheek, and therefore a female. I was well focused on it, enjoying the view, thinking this bird’s neck is oddly thin for its body. And then it was gone. Big as a Pileated Woodpecker is, its attention span is apparently as small as any woodpecker’s.

pileatedwoodpecker

....a tantalizing pre-historic profile

But at least I’d made a positive ID and could put it on my list, a bird I’d never seen before and was unlikely to find near Chicago where I do most of my birding.

Wait. Something else was there.

There was something round and dark in the tall pine above the spot where the Pileated had clung with its splayed four-toed feet and stiffened tail. I focused my binoculars upward and stood with my mouth open, fascinated by a good, long sighting of the first porcupine I’d ever seen.

That was a turning point for me. Since then, I watch for more than birds when I go birding. I’ve found that when you put yourself in a landscape where interesting birds are likely to be seen, you’ll increase your chances of sighting all sorts of unexpected wild things.

And you don’t have to be in serious wilderness like Michigan’s U.P. It works in the suburban forests I like to walk in every weekend, forests that feel as deep and smell as good as Michigan’s, even though they’re within the sound of traffic moving on roads no more than a few miles away in any direction.

Actually, I think that wildlife sightings in such semi-domesticated settings are even more exciting. They represent something encouraging about ecological diversity in the face of unstoppable human land development.

Last Fall…

I was moving quietly through old trees at the Ryerson Conservation Area, a nature preserve on the Des Plaines River north of Chicago. My attention had been captured by two Downy Woodpeckers. Or maybe they were Hairy Woodpeckers, identical in every way to Downys but size, so you never know if you’re seeing a biggish Downy or a runty Hairy. They were colorfully red-capped males who were agitated by each other’s presence and alternated working the same tree, playing out some kind of avian territory game.

I stopped to watch, leaning up against a thick tree, probably an oak, but don’t ask which variety. My brown leather jacket, dark beard and hair somewhat camouflaged me, I suppose, and I settled in to stay a while. The forest floor was yellowish with fallen leaves, and the light that came through the canopy had a golden cast. It was a nice moment.

Leaves were floating down everywhere with implausible regularity, as though in an animated Disney film about Fall. Sometimes, what appeared to be fluttering leaves turned out to be impatient Fall kinglets, both Golden-Crowned and Ruby-Crowned, surprisingly small and remarkably unafraid of people.

But the usual kinglet indifference to visitors was irrelevant on this occasion, because after several minutes, I’d already blended quite well into the woodscape, motionless and color coordinated as I was. Even the woodpeckers came so near at one point, they were too close to be seen through binoculars.

I let my arms hang at my sides, and became part of the tree, inhaling the forest’s cool musk, not thinking, just being. I was enjoying the same kind of high that people who fish tell me they get on the water, a mixture of Zen and the human hunting instinct (benign in birders, but very much there).

Movement in the distance.

A patch of grayish tan against similarly colored trees. I kept my binoculars down. I’d seen White-Tailed Deer at Ryerson before, and knew they normally hang out in small groups which will panic at the sight of a person, their tails high, flashing bright white undersides as they jump away in unnecessary panic.

whitetaildeer

...unnecessary panic

The deer I saw would surely be unaware of me. Who knows how close it might come? I remembered reading somewhere that aboriginal Americans considered it a feat of skill and maturity to become so invisible that they could touch a wild deer as it moved past them in the forest. I had no intention of doing that, but I did hope the deer would come closer.

Soon I could make out the shapes of other deer slowly grazing near the one I’d first noticed. I’d been right to expect a group. And I was pleased to see they were indeed making their way in my direction. I relaxed into the side of the big oak.

Suddenly, up went one tail, its white underpart facing away from me. The deer was looking behind it, in the opposite direction from where I stood. Then another tail shot up in alarm. And the group, four mature females–large, but antler-free at a time of year when males would be fully racked–began running in my direction.

Most penetrating noises I’ve heard in the woods have been human-made. It’s always surprising and disconcerting how clearly our voices carry through the forest. But this time, loud careless noise was coming from animals, big animals moving at speed. Forest litter crunched apart under their hooves. Low-hanging branches swung and cracked as the deer rushed with senseless urgency, right toward me.

One leapt especially high, as though going over an invisible fence, and I recalled a PBS documentary showing Thompson’s Gazelles, I believe, doing what the narrator called “pronking,” this same surprising jump in the middle of a run. Perhaps in Africa, with predators all around, such maneuvers are important. But in Chicago’s suburbs the action seemed melodramatic. Then I saw that something was running with them.

A large red fox.

It was close enough to be part of their group, but somewhat behind. My first impression was that it was chasing the deer, although I didn’t believe foxes–meat lovers though they may be–go after such oversized prey. I had to assume the fox must be running with the deer, perhaps all of them fleeing in unison from something I couldn’t yet see.

redfox

meat lovers though they may be...

I looked beyond the deer and fox to see what might have scared them. There was nothing, no one, in the woods but us. Then the deer nearest the fox at the rear of the pack pronked, a towering bound that took it well away from the little animal. Immediately, the fox, its skittering feet throwing dead leaves wildly into the air, turned sharply and ran even faster toward the next nearest deer. The fox seemed to be chasing them.

They whipped past.

Not close enough to touch, but closer than I’d ever been to so much authentic wildness. I could hear their breathing, surprisingly human, like kids on a running track in high school. I could see that the deer had wet, runny noses. Even though the red fox was appropriately reddish, it had black, gray and white hairs, too, giving it a multi-colored appearance which I felt privileged to see. A kind of inside information.

Its black eyes were shining in the yellow light, causing in me a momentary childhood recollection of bizarre fur pieces owned by elderly female relatives, garments composed of whole pelts with plastic eyes and pathetic clawed feet, somehow connected like link sausages and worn around the shoulders. Then they were gone.

Quiet again.

I leaned forward, looking after them. Nothing. The only noise was the occasional small, hoarse croink of the same two Downy or Hairy Woodpeckers, still concerned over each other’s claim to a piece of bark.

Their call was kind of like that of the Belted Kingfishers I’d occasionally see at the west end of Ryerson, where woods border the brown river. I wondered if somewhere on their family tree woodpeckers are close to kingfishers. Kingfishers do have that overlong and powerful bill. And some woodpeckers are crested, rather kingfisher-like, as was the Pileated I’d seen in the North Woods.

Another hiker?

I looked in the other direction, the one from which the deer and fox had escaped. Was there another hiker in the woods, someone who’d spooked the animals? I moved away from my tree in that direction, sure I’d soon hear or see another person. Perhaps, it would be someone with a dog sending out predatory vibrations, scaring the wildlife in its path. Although Ryerson’s entry signs say pets aren’t allowed, I’ve seen them there several times.

But five minutes later, and well into another part of the forest, I’d seen no one, no sign of anything that might have alarmed the animals.

The naturalist in charge of Ryerson Conservation Area later told me it’s unlikely that a fox would chase deer, and that the explanation must be (as I’d expected to hear) that they were coincidentally running together, away from some perceived threat they all shared.

I don’t know. But I remember how that fox veered toward one of the running deer, the one closest, its heels almost in biting range. And I know how it looked. The incident upstaged the woodpeckers and kinglets, and I’ll never figure it out.

Later that year…

There was news of a White-Winged Crossbill in those same woods, high in some kind of fir that my tree guide says only grows in the Pacific Northwest. The tree’s more uncommon around here than the crossbill. I never did spot the bird, a rare winter visitor not on my list yet, but I did find beaver sign near the river. There were gnawed, pointy tree stumps and bright wood shavings all along the bank. Here was evidence of another nearly extinct animal making a comeback, regardless of increasing human development.

White-Tailed Deer, the kind I saw, are perhaps the best example of wild animals doing this. I recently read that in the 1950s, there were virtually no deer in the Northern half of Illinois. Today, they’re nearly as common as squirrels, and have even become backyard pests during Fall and Winter.

Ryerson Woods–a conservation area–has had to resort to trapping some for relocation, and even employing all-too-willing marksmen to shoot double-digit numbers of deer in order to keep populations of important native plants from being eaten to extinction.

Bears in Chicago? Cougars?

In addition to deer and beaver, these suburban woods, rivers and fields now have unexpected numbers of red fox, mink, woodchuck, chipmunk, raccoon, skunk, weasel, pygmy rattlesnake and even coyote. In fact, last winter at least three coyotes were captured in Chicago’s very urban Lincoln Park amid skyscrapers and boulevards. I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that some day porcupines, black bears and even cougars will have worked their way down wooded river systems northwest of here and come into our suburbs. This is known to be the same route that deer and beaver took.

Perhaps these animals don’t always just disappear when human development constricts their natural, preferred environment. Some might well live on. And true to the principles of natural selection, the survivors may gradually produce individuals that prosper within a landscape of only intermittent wildness, co-existing with highways and housing developments.

Later that year, I managed to get some close-up sightings of Red-Bellied Woodpeckers at Ryerson. I saw a brightly colored Evening Grosbeak, and an owl flying from one bare branch to another. It was silhouetted against the dusk sky and too far for a clear identification except to say it was an owl, with upstanding ear tufts blowing in the wind.

In mid-winter there were a surprising number of Robins there, sightings I consider exotic only because, unlike the Robins of my pre-greenhouse-effect Chicago childhood, these don’t migrate any more.

And as spring plants greened along a small creek in Ryerson, I saw a coyote and it saw me. We shared a moment of eye contact before it turned casually and disappeared into the foliage, walking with that distinctive stiff-legged coyote walk I’d seen on others of its kind when visiting Yellowstone National Park.

But this one was fifteen minutes from my home. Bird watching has never been more interesting.

Excerpt from the novel “The Idea People”

June 9th, 2009

From Chapter Two

….the  young blonde woman was standing above a pretty little creek in a remote part of the Rockies.  The clear water moving over red-brown stones was deep and cool.  It looked to her like iced tea.

Being far from the trail, she assumed she was alone.  But young blonde women are a suspicious lot when it comes to getting undressed, so she double-checked, squinting behind her, scanning the hills, then across the creek into the pines.  Seeing no sign of anyone else, she took off her sweaty hiking clothes.  The cool air against her skin made a welcome change.

womanswimming

…being far from the trail, she assumed she was alone.

Down by the water’s edge the smell of damp stone was strong, overpowering the pine smell that had been with her all day, especially in the early morning before sunshine heated and thinned the air.

A nagging sense of insecurity.

She hesitated, then jogged back to her belongings.  She knelt over an open backpack, rooting around, her loose hair falling forward.  With one hand she flicked it back, laying it over a bare shoulder, and with her other she withdrew a sheathed hunting knife which hung heavily from a weathered, leather belt.

She buckled this on and returned to the creek, now primitively armed, anticipating the pleasures of a swim.  She waded in until the moving water touched the junction of her legs, dampening blondish curls there, turning them dark.  She took a deep breath and dove in against the current, swimming below the surface, kicking, arms forward.  She broke the surface, stood and tossed her head back, her long hair throwing off an arc of silver spray.

Refreshed, now needing warmth, she waded to the other side, to a flatrock overhang sitting above the water in dry sunlight.  In the distant hills, the man with binoculars watched.  It was his lucky day.  The girl lay naked on the warm rock.  Eyes closed.  Skin and hair drying quickly in the mountain sun.  There was only the steady sound of moving water and the occasional breeze quivering the aspens, making their leaves crackle softly.

She stretched, a lioness at midday.  Then a speck of red streaked overhead, crossing the creek into the pines behind her.  She turned.  A cardinal?  Rare for this altitude.  Not found in the mountains.  The girl happened to be a student of such avian esoterica and became interested, no, not just interested, intrigued…

She stood, looking again for hot red against forest green.  Nothing.  Then a flash as the bird flew to another tree.  Red with black.  “A scarlet tanager?” she said aloud, to no one (as far as she knew), and walked off her warm rock, away from the creek toward the trees to get a closer look.

...a species not of these mountains

…a species not of these mountains

The bird flew to another perch and the girl followed, jogging naked on the stony ground, climbing above the bank now, entering the woods, eyes on the bird.  It swooped away and down, disappearing behind a rocky outcrop.  The girl moved quickly, making use of this temporary screen to shorten the distance without the bird seeing her.  The sheathed knife flapped against her naked buttock as she ran, an encouraging pat, pat.

She peeked around the rock.  Nothing.  She scanned the trees but the bird was gone.  She thought it could have been an Eastern bird, a species not of these mountains.  It would have been an important sighting, but the bird didn’t sit still long enough for her to confirm it.  She turned, walking back quickly to her place by the creek.

The distance back seemed greater than the distance away.  She had no thought of time when following the bird.  Suddenly, she felt unsure.  Was it this far?  The creek had to be just through the trees ahead, and she ran toward them, feeling chilled.  She got to the trees and saw nothing beyond but more trees.  She stopped, heart pounding, knowing she was lost.

The Ferruginous Hawk

June 9th, 2009

Dad had already left, and I was just finishing my breakfast when Grandfather came into the kitchen, pulled out a chair and sat. Right on time again. Funny how an old man keeps such a regular schedule.

As he always does at this time, he pushed the book toward me and said, “Pick a good one today.”

Mom set a plate of food down and said, “Eat your breakfast, Grandfather.”

I looked at her. Mom in the morning. Her rollers. Her impassive voice. So flat, so mechanical. I thought, funny that she always calls him Grandfather. He’s my grandfather. It was just her way.

“Pick a good one,” Grandfather said.

It was a beat-up and well used old bird book. He knew all the birds in it by heart. As was our little custom, I closed my eyes, flipped through the pages and poked my finger suddenly down onto one.

We both looked to see what bird I picked for him.

“Ferruginous Hawk?” he said.

“First time I ever gave you that one.”

“A challenge, all right,” he said.

“Eat your breakfast, Grandfather,” Mom said.

*

When my grandfather was my age, he liked the birds, and knew their names. Since he retired, he’d taken up bird watching again. It got him out of the house so Mom could do her work during the day.

To make it interesting for him, one morning long ago, I kiddingly picked a bird at random from the old book and said, “See if you can spot this guy.”

Every day after that we played the same game. Evenings at dinner, I’d ask him how he did, and he’d lie, “No problem, kiddo. Just gotta know where to look.”

Mom would say, “Eat your dinner,” to both of us.

*

That evening, on the day I’d given him “Ferruginous Hawk,” Grandfather didn’t come back. When Dad came home from work, we went to look.

“Damn foolish, this bird thing of his,” Dad said. And I could see he was worried more than mad.

Grandfather’s tracks were easy to follow, and they went on for more than a mile. When we found him, he was barely alive.

He was lying bareheaded on the ground, his face awfully gray, his breath shallow and raspy.

“I saw one,” he said to me, his excitement plainly there under the weakness.

“Let’s get him back,” Dad said. We collected Grandfather’s things, got him up and breathing better, and led him home.

“I saw one,” he said again.

We were still feeling worried and serious, so I didn’t say anything back. I was tempted to say, “Ferruginous Hawk?”

It could wait.

*

Once inside, Grandfather’s breathing became completely normal, and his strength returned. He went directly to the kitchen table, sat, and began leafing through his bird book, looking at it harder than I’d ever seen him look at it before.

Dad sat and said, “Pop, this bird thing, it’s gone too far. You’ve got to stop.”

Grandfather didn’t even look at him, but just kept studying the book, turning its pages and looking at them one by one.

“Pop?”

“Shhhh.”

“Eat your dinner, Grandfather,” Mom said.

Then Grandfather closed the book and put it down gently on the table.

“I saw one,” he said to me, and smiled. But it wasn’t his usual smile.

I didn’t know what to say now.

Dad said, “Saw one what?”

Mom said, “Eat your dinner, Grandfather.”

Grandfather threw the bird book at Mom then, and when it hit, it hit hard, exploding, and all those brittle old pages flew around the room, scattering themselves over the floor.

Grandfather stood, and in one smooth movement, surprising for an old man, kicked Mom in the side hard enough to knock her off her rollers.

She fell onto her side with a clang. Sparks flared under her. And the room smelled of hot ozone.

“Eat your breakfast, Grandfather,” Mom said, her voice flat. Then she said it again, and Dad had to get up and switch her off.

*

“What’s gotten into you, Pop! First you practically kill yourself, going around without your air helmet. Then you break the robot!”

“I saw one.”

“One what?” Dad screamed.

“One bird.”

“There aren’t any birds, Dad. Not for at least fifty years!”

“What kind was it, Grandfather?” I said.

Dad said, “Stay out of this, son.”

Grandfather looked at me and laughed. “It wasn’t no Ferruginous Hawk, I’ll tell you that much.”

Birds and Books

June 9th, 2009

 

People who know me believe that I like birds. Well, I want to explain this. The truth is that I DO like birds, somewhat. But I’m not a typical bird watcher. My interest is actually more about bird books.

Over time, my interest in bird books led to an interest in books in general. All books. Books let you in on secrets.

books

I like secret information. The word “secret” is an exaggeration of course. It makes the information sound like something dangerous. But that’s not the case.

All information is secret to the people who don’t have it. And if you do have it, you know something these other people don’t. This helps you see the world better. It helps you appreciate the world. It helps you understand the size and shape of the world.

It gives you power over information. And it’s better to have power than not. People can argue with this if they want, but I’m not going to argue back. I have better things to do. Like read a book.

Anyway, here’s how a little black and white bird known as a Downy Woodpecker started my interest in birds and books. I should say books and birds. Books come first. I’ve seen a lot more books than I have birds. And learned a lot more from them.

When I was about six years old, my school teacher had us study birds for a few days. She passed around bird books and we drew pictures of birds and she put up posters about the birds of our area.

I didn’t care much about this. I thought birds were something the girls might be interested in, like flowers. I paid no special attention.

But I was a kid who liked art. I liked to draw and could do it pretty well. I had lots of crayons and a watercolor set of paints. Anything colorful would catch my eye; I couldn’t help it.

One day, I leafed through the pages of our classroom’s bird book and I was interested to see how many colors the birds had on them. This was new to me, and interesting.

I lived in a city neighborhood in those days, and the birds I saw around my apartment building were gray and brown. Pigeons, sparrows, that was about it.

So when I saw all the different birds in the book, in bright color combinations, I paid some attention. One bird caught my eye because it had a color combination I could only describe as mischievous, although in those days I don’t think I would have used that word.

It was the Downy Woodpecker.

downywoodpecker

This bird was all black and white. Black mostly, with white stripes, white speckles, a white chest. It came from a world of black and white, like the pictures in a newspaper. You didn’t need any colors to draw a Downy Woodpecker, just a black pencil would do.

Or would it? Maybe I was wrong about this bird. Something caught my eye. On the back of the Downy Woodpecker’s head, if it was a male bird, there was a tiny bright red dot!

It’s like the designer of birds was having fun with us. The colors of this bird were black and white, and just as we understood this and expected no more, bam, someone dipped a fingertip in cherry red paint, fire engine red paint, and dabbed in on the top of the little bird’s head.

This seemed to say, don’t jump to any conclusions. We can have any color anywhere we want to put it. And red never looks as red as when it’s against plain black and white.

See, it wasn’t the bird I cared about. I wasn’t interested in a woodpecker’s habits or its size or the sound of its voice, or how many eggs it lays, at least not at first.

I only cared about how life could be full of surprises because a black and white thing could have an unexpected dot of color on it.

Then I forgot about the Downy Woodpecker and its colors. Well, I didn’t forget, exactly. I just put it out of my mind and went on to think about other things. Like playing with my friends, watching cartoons on television, running in the playground, climbing slides and sliding down as fast as I could.

Later, on a summer vacation with my parents, I was walking in the woods at a country resort and I saw a Downy Woodpecker.

It was on the side of a big tree and the bird looked very small. But it skittered up and down the trunk, holding on with its feet and propping its body by resting its stiff tail against the bark.

Every once in a while it would peck at the tree, and I thought, hey, it’s called a woodpecker and it’s pecking at the wood. Makes sense.

And then I remembered the red dot I’d seen in the birdbook. I moved closer and looked up at the bird as it worked its way around the tree, sometimes disappearing behind it, but then coming around again.

It wouldn’t sit still, and I couldn’t get an easy look. But then, there it was! The bird tilted its body, and I could see the back of its head. A bright red spot. I knew it would be there.

The connection was exciting. I connected my memory of the bird on the page in the book to this moment of seeing the real bird on the tree.

I had the secret knowledge that this wasn’t just a black and white bird; it was a bird with that surprising bit of red. And I knew it was a male. I knew it was called a Downy Woodpecker. I knew things that other people who were standing around me looking at a little nameless black and white ball of fluff hopping up and down the side of a tree didn’t know.

I said the word “connection” a moment ago. That’s the right word. It was like pushing an electric plug into a wall socket, and zap, light! The connection was made.

I realized that books can tell us things that are not just in the books, but in the real world, the outside world. This made me feel good. I wanted more of this good feeling.

So from that day on, I looked at books with a new interest. Of course, I soon got a bird book, hoping to get that good feeling again when I saw birds in the outside world that I could recognize. And this happened.

I saw a Cardinal and knew it would have black around its face, and a pointed crest on its head. I saw a Blue Jay and knew the back of its tail would have white tips, as though it were dunked in a can of white paint. I saw a Wood Thrush and knew it would stay on the ground instead of sit on a tree branch, because the bird book said Wood Thrushes preferred the ground.

I knew about the birds. I knew things. The books gave me those things.

This would be a small story, not really worth telling, if that was all there was to it. But birds and the information in bird books about them, were just the beginning.

I got the point that day when I saw the red spot on the Downy Woodpecker in the tree, and imagined the electric plug. All books can connect you to what’s out there in the world.

I like knowing about what’s out there in the world. So I like reading books. All books. And when people think I’m a guy who likes birds, just a guy who’s a bird watcher, they’re not really getting the picture. Birds were where I started understanding this important thing about secret information. I still look at birds. But I look at other things too, as much as I can.

Toad guy

June 9th, 2009

A bunch of guys are hiking near a woodland river. Enjoying the wild, shooting the bull, being guys.

One sees a toad.

“Yo, a toad. Let’s grab it.”

They kneel over this warty creature who looks at them with prehistoric contempt. The toad knows he can jump if they get too close. One guy reaches. The toad jumps.

This sudden movement tweaks an inborn danger response, and the guy recoils in shock. He’s embarrassed by this, an affront to his bravery.

Then, a second guy pushes forward and scoops up the toad before it can even think of jumping again. The toad is surprised by this scoop because it came with no hesitation, pure speed.

Now the toad’s cupped in two strong fists, being stroked and studied.

The toad’s not the only one who’s surprised. The other guys are, too, because the toad’s picker-upper was a young woman. Skinny, pretty, with messy blonde hair.

Once again, we have to admit: sometimes a girl can be a two-fisted guy.

toadguy1

Finding a Scarlet Tanager

June 8th, 2009

First appeared in slightly different form in Bird Watcher’s Digest magazine

During the migration last May I went on a quest for my favorite bird, the scarlet tanager. It was a quest that ended with a twist. This would be a very corny story if it weren’t true.

Every May, my part of the world is rich with migrating birds. I live north of Chicago, on the shore of Lake Michigan. It’s in the heart of the Midwestern flyway. In winter you can see bald eagles if you keep your eyes open. Snowy owls have been spotted on our beaches.

snowyowlbaldeagle

I usually drift through the forest preserves near the Botanic Garden in Glencoe, Illinois, a few miles from my home. I’m content to see whatever I find there. Sometimes I count up the birds I’ve seen. It’s not a big deal, just a way to tap into a guy’s collecting or hunting instinct.

But this day I got it into my mind that I’d see a scarlet tanager. Why is this hot red bird with jet black wings important? I was a six-year-old city kid when I first saw a picture of a scarlet tanager in school. Until then, I’d thought that birds were little brown things, like the sparrows around my apartment building.

What a discovery that bird was to a kid who loved crayons. I remember looking further and finding birds that were blue, yellow, many-colored. When I saw my first live tanager at Allerton Park in central Illinois, that same feeling of discovery hit. I liked it. I wanted it again.

The odds were excellent. After an hour in the woods, I had 30 or 40 species scrawled on a folded scrap of paper I kept in my army jacket. But no scarlet tanager. I went deeper into the woods. I moved like a commando, snapping no twigs, rustling no leaves.

I climbed a tree to blend in. I sat in that big oak for most of an hour. Insects bit. My skin was scratched from twigs. My clothes were stained with sap. No tanager.

(Get ready for some bird porn now, the obligitory name dropping that turns on readers of bird stories….) I’d seen the three kinds of thrushes we get. I’d seen a ruby throated hummingbird, always a kick. Out west, people see hummingbirds a lot, but they’re not common where I live. I saw a green heron that flew in silence thorough branches over a creek. I saw a black crowned night heron, too, and a red-tailed hawk being chased by a fast little marsh hawk for reasons only hawks knew.

I figured I’d move to another site. Half way down I lost footing and fell out of the tree. Bam. On my back amid rocks, branches and poison ivy. Okay, now, more than before, I was on a mission.

I spotted every Midwest warbler, including some I’d never seen. The golden-winged was one. And the Connecticut. I saw deep blue indigo buntings, goldfinches in meadows, yellow-billed cuckoos with long spotted tails, purple finches—another first—and gray-brown flycatchers I can never be sure I’m identifying right. I didn’t see a scarlet tanager.

indigobuntingyellowbilledcuckoo

So I gave up. Left the wilds. Headed home, clothes ripped and dirty, face and hands mosquito-bitten, scraped, scratched, bleeding, hair and shoes sticky with burrs.

In my bedroom upstairs, I stood in front of a big window, pulling my tee-shirt up and over my head. This was slow going because my shoulder ached. The fall was beginning to make itself felt.

When my head emerged, the first thing I saw was a scarlet tanager. Right in front of my face, through the window. Wait. Another one. There were two male scarlet tanagers in my neighbor’s tree.

The distance between the tanagers and me was under ten feet. I wouldn’t have needed binoculars even if I’d had them. I could see every scarlet and black nuance—even glints in their eyes. These were better than the scarlet tanagers I saw in that old bird book years ago.

Please keep in mind that this is a true story. It doesn’t sound like one. It sounds like some kind of morality tale. A fable, perhaps, about how the things we want are really right in your own front yard, blah, blah.

Okay. I can’t help that. This one time, the things were right in my own front yard.

I’ve thought about this from time to time, especially when I find myself pursuing something that appears elusive. Then I think, “Maybe it’s not so elusive. Maybe it’s closer than you think. Hang in there” (So I guess, in a way, this was a morality tale. But still true).

scarlettanager2

Mystery in the Sonoran Desert

June 2nd, 2009

My daughter called to say she’d seen a bird she couldn’t find in her field guide, a mystery bird, and asked if I could help. “Sure, just describe it.” After a lifetime of birding I was pretty confident. I’d only had one bird that threw me (I’ll get to that in a moment). But first, here’s what my daughter said. “It’s brown and kind of big, like a pigeon, but it’s no pigeon; it’s got a long beak. Kind of funny looking. It walked a lot, but when it took off it had pretty big wings. I can’t find it in my book anywhere.”

Ah, an easy one for the bird detective in me. “You saw a woodcock,” I said. “Look under ‘American Woodcock.’” A moment later, after some page rustling she squealed, “Yeah, there it is, that’s what I saw!”

americanwoodcock

Being a bird detective is fun. Maybe you’d like to try it. Let me tell you about the bird that threw me. I’ll give you some clues. While you’re taking a minute to process them I’ll step aside and ramble a bit about a subject that’s somewhat related to the mystery. Then I’ll reveal the answer.

Here are the clues: Sonoran Desert, fade of day. I was hearing a piercing Wheep! Not much like any bird call I knew. It would be followed by silence, then another Wheep! I located its source without binoculars. A tan bird, robin-sized, but thinner. It had a black face, making it look somewhat like a female Cardinal, but no crest. It was on the ground and seemed unruffled by my approach.

I went to my Peterson’s Western Birds. But for once, I wasn’t sure where in the book to look. I could rule out the first half. This wasn’t a water bird, hawk, hummingbird or woodpecker (the bill was unremarkable). It wasn’t thrush-like, or dove-like, and it was too big to be a sparrow. It might have been a flycatcher, but it was on the ground. It looked a little like a Catbird, but not enough to be a relative.

This was like searching a dictionary for the spelling of a word, but you can’t find the word since you don’t know how to spell it. It’s kind of fun to be stymied like this. Other problems…an upcoming business presentation, financial woes, the waistline consequences of eating dessert five nights in a row, a recently discovered bald spot…these momentarily disappear.

Most of us enjoy detective stories, but how often are we given the chance to be in one?

The clues again: Arizona dusk. A clear, penetrating Wheeeep! A well-proportioned bird, suggesting a Catbird. Tan except for the face, which is black; no crest. It walks on the ground with no dovish head bobbing. When approached, it flies to a nearby bush and soon returns, not much concerned about people.

What is this species? Go ahead, think about it; check your bird guides if you want. Meanwhile, there’s one piece of the puzzle I didn’t mention: The bird wasn’t actually in the wilds of the Sonora Desert. It was on the grounds of a hotel in Scottsdale, Arizona. This is somewhat significant because it adds a bit of irony. You see, when you finally locate it in the field guide, this bird is described as a “secretive bird of the desert.”

Its range is correctly shown as a narrow swath of purple overlaying a part of the southwest which includes Scottsdale. But it’s supposed to be a desert bird. And secretive. What was it doing hopping around and singing next to guests and lawnmowers in the manicured gardens of a suburban hotel?

When I’d been birding in the arid back country earlier that day, I’d seen virtually no birds; the desert was big, hot, and stone silent. Yet here in a smoggy Scottsdale sunset, this “secretive” bird was openly going about his business and calling out as though he owned the place. And who could blame him? Why would a baking wilderness be preferred to a hotel’s tended grounds?

The same question could explain why my early morning hikes into the back country revealed adventurous landscapes but no interesting wildlife. But when I jogged at dawn around our hotel, I saw Anna’s and Broad-Tailed Hummingbirds, Canyon Wrens, Gila Woodpeckers, Gilded Flickers, Steller’s Jays, Mockingbirds, Gambel’s Quail and even a Golden Eagle.

But, enough suspense:

The mystery bird is Abert’s Towhee. Pipilo Aberi. Did you get it? And would you have expected to see it in a populace suburb? Well, maybe the spread of fertile human habitation has caused wild birds to change their preferred habitat. Should our expectations also change? And our field guides be rewritten, maybe lose the “secretive bird of the desert” description?

Will wilderness become even more silent, while suburbs get exotic birdsong, and also provide new habitat for deer, bobcats, coyotes, bears and other opportunists? That’s not much of a detective story. It seems this case has been closed.

abertstowheewithmap

The Boy Detective

May 26th, 2009

We were part of a busload of tourists led by a bossy park ranger in a Smoky Bear hat. As we hiked, he pointed out birds and acted like he’d put them there for us to see.

We were on a family vacation a hundred miles from home. Could have been a thousand miles. There were canyons and deep, old woods. It was early morning. I was ten.

My dad had signed us up for this guided tour. My mind wandered. I was looking for arrowheads in the leaf litter, and hoping that bears or mountain lions would show themselves.

I saw a bird on the ground, rooting around in the leaves, a large, mostly beige bird. As I got closer it flew to a nearby tree. There was white on its back, and I thought I saw a bit of red on its head. But these weren’t what grabbed my attention. I’d seen unexpected golden flashes as it flew.

The bird landed on the side of a tall tree further up the trail. As it settled, the undersides of its wings revealed themselves: bright yellow.

I knew what this bird was. I’d seen that wing color before. It was in a schoolbook that I’d been forced to study. I didn’t like studying. But those yellow wings stayed with me. They were unexpected on this generally light-brown bird. The unexpected is the heart of a good mystery.

I said to our Smoky, “What bird has yellow wings?”

My question seemed to annoy him. I was a punk who’d been looking for arrowheads. He sighed, saying, “No bird has yellow wings.” And he resumed lecturing to the group. I interrupted. “What if it’s under the wings?” He said, “Son, no bird has yellow under the wings.” The ranger turned away. I was dismissed.

Under my breath, I said, “Flicker.”

My dad, who would later tease me for life because I once identified a Titmouse, looked at me and said, “What’d you call him?”

I shut up. Eventually, we neared the tree where the bird landed. The group looked up and saw it. As it fluttered from place to place the bright yellow under its wings was obvious.

Our guide said, “Okay, everybody, please notice, we have a bird called a Flicker here.”

And he went on to describe how this was a kind of woodpecker, sometimes found on the ground eating ants, but mostly up in the trees, blah, blah. There was the implication that he’d found the bird for us, that we’d been given our money’s worth.

“Flicker,” I said smiling. My dad gave me a curious look. “Yellow-Shafted,” I added.

~     ~     ~     ~

From “The Secret History of Birds.”

May 19th, 2009

By Marc Davis

Two-Fisted Birdwatcher is pleased to publish a third guest essay by Marc Davis. Marc is a prolific writer; a novelist, journalist, and two-fisted observer of all things, including historical events and the players in them, big and small.

Here’s something to consider for The Two-Fisted Birdwatcher: It’s from an imaginary book (which doesn’t exist—yet), that I’ve titled “The Secret History of Birds.”

When Napoleon was defeated by Wellington at Waterloo in 1815, a man named Reuter was on the scene and sent a homing pigeon to Baron Rothschild in London, announcing the British victory.

Rothschild, one of the five brothers of the banking dynasty, proceeded to the London exchange and started selling the Pound Sterling, and shares in British companies.

Nameless and uncelebrated.

Nameless and uncelebrated.

Traders on the floor saw Rothschild dumping everything and assumed that Napoleon had been victorious. But the wily Rothschild knew otherwise. So as the market crashed and fell to near zero prices in the ensuing panic, Rothschild’s agents were secretly buying up the depressed equities and currencies.

When word finally arrived in London via horse and carriage that Napoleon had been beaten, share prices soared and Rothschild made another fortune when he sold everything at a huge profit.

That man named Reuter was the progenitor of the international Thomson Reuters News Service.

Reuter’s bird which brought Rothschild the news remains nameless and uncelebrated. Until now.

Jailbird Seeks Salvation Through Birding

May 10th, 2009

By Marc Davis


Two-Fisted Birdwatcher is proud to post its second guest essay by Marc Davis. Marc is a prolific writer; a novelist, journalist, artist and two-fisted observer of all things, including movies that make a point.

When was the last time you saw a two-fisted birdwatcher as the protagonist of a movie? If you said 48 years ago, you’d be right.

The birdwatcher was Burt Lancaster in the 1962 film, “Birdman of Alcatraz,” the almost true story of Robert Stroud, a nasty guy serving life for a murder, who then doubles down with a second homicide of a sadistic screw.

Stroud is a loner, a tough and mean-spirited thug with homicidal impulses who is miraculously transformed when a bird flies into his cell.  What ensues from this chance human-aviary meeting is a profound change in the once incorrigibly combative prisoner.

Alcatraz. The ultimate jailbird cage.
Alcatraz. The ultimate jailbird cage.

During the course of the 147 minute film – and through the decades in his real life – Stroud becomes an expert ornithologist, studying bird diseases and becoming one of the most knowledgeable of the world’s laymen in this area.

Lancaster handles the birds with an exquisite delicacy, cradling the fragile, trembling little creatures in his massive hands, the same hands with which he stabbed to death the guard who irked him. He feeds them like a loving mother with an eye dropper.  He constructs bird cages with scraps of wood.   He builds a bird hospital in his solitary cell, formulates remedies for common and exotic bird diseases and sells them successfully through an outside partner.

When dealing with birds, Stroud is angelic, but his demonic truculence persists in his dealings with the various wardens who come and go.  Along with his birding, Stroud has written a secret expose of prison abuses.  Warden Karl Malden discovers it and Stroud falls into what seems like an inextricable jam. All of his privileges are withdrawn.

But eventually, as often happens in movies and occasionally in real life, Stroud does something noble, and dangerous, which redeems him with prison authorities – he helps squelch a prison riot. Eventually, he is released from prison after decades of confinement – a two-fisted killer and amateur ornithologist who sought and found salvation in birding.

What the Hell is a Hectare?

May 9th, 2009

By Bob Grump


The noted writer of books and articles, Marc Davis, was proud to put his name on our first guest essay, “Crows Await Second Coming.” But the following tirade, our second entry in the Guest Essay category, is written by a guy who gave us a fake name. His essay is pretty good though, so we don’t care if he wants an alias. Enjoy.


Actually, I wanted to entitle this “What the heck is a hectare.” Sounded better. (heck, hectare.) But it’s not two-fisted enough, the word heck. So I went with “What the hell is a hectare.” Which, while not making a word play with hectare, better expressed my feelings about the word “hectare.”

It all started a few years ago. I saw in a birding magazine that the Cornell Lab of Ornithology wanted volunteers to measure shrinking tanager populations. They said they’d specify an area near each volunteer’s home and supply a kit with maps, charts and questionnaires.

ScarletTanager-1

I don’t normally volunteer. But I was interested in tanagers and didn’t like the idea that they were declining. So I signed on. Soon I got my kit in the mail. It told me to claim a section of forest near my home and it described the area I should cover in terms of hectares.

I don’t remember how many. Just “hectares.” As in two hectares or five, like that. Not sure if they meant square hectares. All hectares are automatically square, right? What the hell is a hectare, anyway?

Okay, I don’t live on Mars. I know something about this word. It’s from the metric system that the rest of the world is trying to shove down the throats of Americans. And hectares are composed of something called “ares.” And an “are” (100 of them make a hectare) is a word useful only to crossword puzzle nuts.

Come on: Miles are now also expressed as kilometers. Feet as meters. Good old Fahrenheit temperatures have to appear with parenthetical Celsius numbers, just to confuse things.

Let’s use one system or another, okay? Keep using both and we’ll keep being confused. I ordered a load of logs for our fireplace and would have probably accepted a cord—also an unusual unit—but got a “stere.” What the hell is a stere?

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Anyway, back to the tanagers and their territories. I set out to begin the study in good faith. But I just couldn’t get a handle on what a hectare was. So I quit. I dropped out.

All I had wanted was for the Cornell people to say: go to  So-and-So Woods, bordered by this road and that road. Hike in, count the tanagers, mail us the information and have a nice day.

Instead I got vague directions about measuring hectares. I mailed the unused kit back to Cornell with my apologies. I assume the tanager study went on. I hope the tanagers are doing well. I still look for them every spring and I see a few.

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They’re in the forest, which is measured in units I’ve heard of: miles, acres, paces. Things like that. But even those American measurements don’t matter. What matters are trees, streams, fields and the tanagers.

Science can take its hectares and put them wherever it wants. They lost a tanager counter because of the metric system. A system that someday I hope our scientists will get out of their system. But don’t count on it.

Getting Serious

May 9th, 2009

Two Fisted Bird Watcher is entertainment, an online journal with a bit of humor, grit, skin and attitude.

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It’s got stories, book recommendations, even a bit of two-fisted philosophy. The kind of things you don’t normally get from a birding site.

But what if you want to get serious? What if you want some heavy-duty birding information? Where do you go for that? Right here, buddy. Check out our Tips and Links page! Even before that, start by clicking on this site to see what we mean: www.allaboutbirds.com. Now that’s “getting serious.” And it has its own links.

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Our Tips & Links page can also connect to the coolest two-fisted birding sites in the world. Want to watch a live bird cam in real time broadcasting from the Amazon, the Pacific Northwest or some bird techie’s backyard?

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Want a list of recent rare bird sightings. Or Audubon‘s suggestions about hot birding spots in your state, country, hemisphere, the world?

How would you like to link to birding blogs, online magazines and print journals that DON’T have the two-fisted bushwhacker approach you get here? No problem; we understand.

Maybe you want news and data, breeding maps, research from the Cornell School of Ornithology, serious wildlife photography.

imagesOkay, we’ll take you there.

Just click on our Tips and Links page. Thanks to Google, and especially to Hougthon Mifflin and Peterson Guides (they’ve done their homework), you can go anywhere for any kind of birding and ornithological information.

One link leads to another, leading to another, and another, until suddenly you’ve got an infinitely branching tree of information to explore.

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And it all started innocently, with you reading our story about a guy getting stopped for speeding and using the pileated woodpecker defense, or a titillating little story called Tits, or about Gleason getting one-upped by Norton on the Honeymooners TV show.

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But when you want to get serious, we get it. The knowledge of the world wide web is within your two fists. And a click.