Bird Football.

You’re watching NFL football. The crowd is waving rally towels.

This odd show of support has caught on. But, sorry, the towels look like hankies. Wrong for a two-fisted sport like football.

Fans should stick to painting their faces and hairy chests in team colors, stuff like that.

What does this have to do with birds?

Recently, we got an email from a birdwatcher who does heavy construction work in Florida. He said he saw Roseate Spoonbills down there. We thought: That’s a score, buddy.

Then an idea hit. Bird football.

Here’s how it works. Get into the woods. In your mind, it’s first down. You’ve got sixty seconds to spot a bird. If you don’t, it’s second down.

When you see something, you mentally move the ball. Your yardage is determined by how common the bird is. A Dark-eyed Junco is worth, say, five yards.

Now it’s second and five. See a Loggerhead Shrike, and he’s good for seven yards. First down.

Titmouse. Three points!

Then you see a Goshawk. That’s your rare hail Mary. Nice going: forty yards. You’re in the red zone now, scoring territory. You see a Cardinal there. That’s fitting, but pretty ordinary. He’s worth just five yards.

Are those towel wavers in the stands still at it? Instead, think of long-legged cheerleaders jumping on the sidelines.

You see a Tufted Titmouse. Cool. That bird always means a field goal. You’re up three zip.

Later, you step into a thorn bush, and get covered with burrs. Interception. Lose the ball. But when they punt, you run it back.

How far? Depends. If you see a Pileated Woodpecker, touchdown. You’re Devin Hester. Spike the ball.

On the trail out, House Finches get you only a few yards, and the clock runs down. That’s okay. You’re up ten nothing, a shut-out.

Cheerleaders are jumping, and fans are cheering. Nobody’s waving rally towels, though. The commissioner of bird football doesn’t believe in ’em.

8 Responses to “Bird Football.”

  1. Lee Dager says:

    I think it was Sundance that said something to the effect of “Just keep thinkin Butch, that’s what you’re good at!” I hope you have a Merry Christmas and a twofisted new year.

  2. Sara McMichael says:

    Is there a conversion to Soccer?

  3. Eveleen c. says:

    Now THAT’S how you play football!

  4. Nyla T. says:

    Doesn’t sound like a ‘FAIR GAME’ to me. Here where I live we don’t have some of the birds mentioned so I guess I’m a loser all around.
    In the meantime keep up your game of imagination.

  5. Two-Fisted Bird Watcher says:

    Hey Merideth. A guy might’ve seen more Loggerhead Shrikes in his playing field than Tufted Titmice. Still, the shrike’s probably worth more than 7 yards. You raise a good point.

  6. Evelyn says:

    Now, that’s a concept that could sell birding to the general public.

  7. Merideth says:

    Wait…only 7 yards for a Loggerhead Shrike, but field goal for a tufted titmouse? What kind of lame football is this??

  8. Marc D. says:

    Is there a half-time show?